The Trip-planner!

Its 7:10AM, the two of us rush into the green Camry that Sammy had hired for the weekend. It was going to be a long trip of almost 400+ miles from San Jose. Strapping our seat belts we sped off towards Gish where the other 2 c’munks were waiting for us. After filling in the gas and pumping some air into the rubber, we sped off taking on I-680. Sammy was at the wheel and I played the navigator, staring right into the numerous print outs we took with directions to the places we were gonna visit. Our first spot was to visit a national park by the name Lassen Volcanic National Park, which was around 250 odd miles from the start. After a short halt at Wendy’s for some light breakfast we sped off towards Lassen.

So we reached Lassen Park in the early noon, had a small session of 'dot release' and drove deeper within the park. On our was we saw some spectacular Sulphur deposits on the rocks, hot sulphuric gases that smelled worse that having to smell the outcome of Daal and Radish together. But well it seemed everyone around enjoyed it! Ok, let’s not divert from the topic or rather the purpose of putting this blog. The funny part about the 4 of us was that we had to oppose the other’s statements, come what may. Let’s have a glimpse into one of the conversations...

Some whacko English songs goin’ on. The Camry speeds on the long stretchy highway obeying the speed limits. Sash is really pissed with the number of wooooooooooooooooooooow’s he’s been hearing from Ruzy since morning for every song being played on the radio. While Pamo is sitting quietly in the back seat trying not to fall into any arguments.

Ruzy: Woooooooooooooooooooooooow!!! Look at those clouds behind the hills.

Sash: Boss, keep aside your wow-wow; first tell me where are we heading? What have you guys planned in the last 3 days?

Ruzy: We go to Klamath Falls and rest there for the day. Tomorrow we head to Crater Lake and then afternoon time we will go to Hellgate. And on Monday when we returning we drive via Napa, simple!

Sash: That’s the plan huh? That’s what you’ve been doing for the last 3 days?

Sammy: Guys! Guys!! Listen to me. Let’s go directly to Crater Lake city and then check-in there and leave for Crater Lake today itself.

Ruzy: (thinking) Huh? Crater Lake city. Which world is this in?

Ruzy: Why are we doing Crater Lake today itself. Let’s do it tomorrow, early morning instead and go to Klamath Lake today? We have 2 full days to spend yaar.

Sash: Boss, what do you want to do in Klamath Lake?

Pamo: Arre Klamath Lake is a big lake and there is nothing there!

Ruzy: There are lot of water sport activities there yaar! Let’s go there.

Sash: Arre then what’s the point in going to Klamath Falls? Why don’t we go to Crater Lake then.

Ruzy: Dude! I think there is confusion. Klamath Falls is not really falls, it’s a city! We are supposed to check-in there.

Sammy: Dude! I’ve been there yaar! TRUST ME! I’ll take you guys there by 5.

Sash: Arre boss! We don’t have a map till Crater Lake then how will we goto Crater Lake directly.

Sammy: Chill man! I know the roads. First I will take you to Crater Lake city. I know man the place! It has a downtown also man. I have stayed there last time we went there.

Ruzy: Dude, either google is wrong or you just created a city last time you went there. I’m sure there is nothing like a Crater Lake city.

Sammy: Dude! I’ve stayed there last time and I know what I’m saying. TRUST ME!

Sash: Yaar! You guys are nuts man. And you, wooooooow woooooooow what plan have you made?

Ruzy: Look, it was as simple. We stay tonight at Klamath Falls and then go to Crater tomorrow. Anyways it’s pretty late not to go to Klamath Lake.

Sammy: Dude, we will not go to Klamath Falls. Let’s not go to Econo Lodge of Klamath Falls, instead we can go to Econo Lodge of Crater Lake city.

Ruzy: Ok, let’s confirm this on the phone. I’ll call and you speak to the manager to give us the number of the “Crater Lake city” Econo Lodge.

After a thankfully short phone conversation, and without making the manager realize what a dhafol he is (ye, he was a gujju) to not have known where Crater Lake city is, it was confirmed that the Econo Lodge at Klamath Falls and the virtual Crater Lake city were the same.

Its close to 5:30 in the evening, the Camry still speeds on the limit, the 4some heading towards some city, finally see a board that reads “Welcome to Oregon state!” But no-one dares to speak where they gonna halt...

Lost in Pornunciation

A few years back my cousin Zoop was here from the US. He wore the typical firang accent. Even the little of what he calls Gujrati, that he spoke with a few of us at home, had a hint of it. Though we would manage to interpret it somehow.

One fine day, we were out at Emgee Road buying some Indian Remix music CDs for his sis and cousins out there. We took a short break opposite a Video parlour. His eyes caught the displayed posters adorning the shop's glass doors. They were displaying the latest Hollywood blockbusters and also some which were yet to be released there. Getting a bit curious, he walked into the shop and got out after some 10 odd minutes, while I was standing out staring at the new DVD's that had launched recently and got tempted to buy one, even though I had'nt got any player. This was very natural to me, the fact being I had collected around 30 odd PC magazine CD-ROMs before I could even think of buying a PC.

When he got out he asked me in the same accent, "Ruzan, you have any idea where i can buy some paarrrn?"

I replied with a "Whaaaaat?"

"Paarn, Paaarn?"

"Why would you want it? Don't you get it out there?"

"Actually, I know a shop just opposite your place where you get it?"

"Huh? I'm staying there for the past few years and I am unaware of it!" thinking how the hell did he find a porn selling library and that too around my place. "Then we will pick it up from there only, but did you buy any?" feeling a little strange asking this to my cousin.

"Yeah! I bought some yesterday! It was sweet and different from that other guy around"

"What? There's another one too! Damm I really need to get out and look around my place!" were my immediate thoughts. "So", enquired I, "did you like the ones you bought yesterday? I mean I don't believe you bought them"

"What are you saying? I love eating it. But I just dont like when they put that green paste and the.... what do you call that?"

"Eating it??? and the Green paste, huh?" thinking what the hell does he mean by green paste now. Must be some US term for... god knows what?!?

"... ye and super-ee"

"What? You are talking of Paan? Oh ok ok yeah! I know a few places here too. Let's walk it up"

Phew...! bach gayaa :)

Partners in Prime!

This snapshot of my life flashes way back from the early 90s. I was in my 5th grade, and was at the peak of my performance, of all of my schooling years. My class teacher Mr. Ryan Gobbins had very few students in his good-books, and without any astonishment, I was one of them. As far as I remember, there was never a test in which I scored less than a 13 pointer out of 15. Enough of boasting, coming to the point, I was one of his favorite fella (even though I never made it in Sports for his team). The classroom was on the second level and was on the rightmost end of the Main school building. The good thing of the location: we could make as much noise in between lectures and still not get detained. Fact being, our class Prefect would keep a watch at the corridor and signal us if any professor walked towards our class.

This is the story of one fine afternoon, after the lunch break. It was Mr. Gobbins lecture. He entered the class; noticing blissful silence the class had crashingly fallen into from an awful decibel. He kind of saw her prompting us to keep shut, while he walked towards our class. When asked, she pointed to the names she had written on the board and the numerous strokes against each ones name. Each stroke signified how many times the culprit was warned to Shut-Up! Of course, with the quiet nature I possessed (back then too!), I had some 3 odd strokes against my name. I could see the disappointment on his face as he looked at my name and then stared back to me. Oh yes, I forgot to mention, the very next name on the list was my partner Tanissha's, a chubby southie and one of my best friends back then. She was as quiet as me, so quiet; we almost always made it to the top 3 on the hit-list. Somehow, we always managed to get out of it, but today it felt a little different.

Mr. Gobbins asked each one of us, listed, the reason why we made it there! Well the same lame 'ghisa-pita' reason from us, "We were discussing the science homework". The reason didn't buy his cool this time and I got a snarl in return. I was so embarrassed, I could write "Sorry Sir, I won't do it again" a 100 times just to make sure my name does not get stroked off from his good books. He didn't say anything after that and he sat on his chair after he dealt with the remaining folks.

Before I go ahead, a little idea of the seating positions. My favorites Suraiya and Melanie on the first bench, in the same row as mine; Miss Sleepy Irani on the last bench, a row to our left and then the 2 of us, on the 4th bench. Mr. Gobbins preferred that the first benches of each row be occupied by the girls. The reason why Miss Sleepy Irani was pushed ‘back there’ was that, he could not bear the fact that at 9AM she would yawn on his face and continue do the same throughout the day. Worse, she would even daze off during the lectures. So, why talk of the others? Well the reason being, I always wanted to be at one of these prime locations, but never made it :(

Mr. Gobbins had a plan in his mind today! Though he didn't reveal it immediately. He told us to line up outside the class and get into the class and choose to sit wherever we wished. “Wow a dream come true!” was my thought. I possessed a ear-to-ear smile when I heard this. Now which one is it? Melanie, Surri, Zanadu or the same one? The door opened and everyone poured inside. The great athlete I was, I got into the class somehow. While all the prime locations were already taken (mostly by the same partners); in distress, I had an only option remaining; to sit on the last bench without anyone. Mr. Gobbin's did notice this but didn't utter a word. It felt horrid! Tanissha was sitting with someone else. I started getting that *same-feeling* back then. These seats got committed into Mr. Gobbin's mind and he warned us not to change seats anymore!

Hearing that, I was shocked. Now who will I talk to? Who is gonna talk to me all the time? Who is gonna break my back, every time I sit? Oh yes, we used to play 'Hops-n-bats' then and she could give my spine a shiver, if I ever made a folly of not yelling BATSSS! before being seated. With these thoughts floating in my mind, I went back home. It was difficult to focus on my home-work that evening. I finished it somehow and then finally went to mom dear and told her the whole story. She kinda convinced me that she would talk to the prof and ask him if I could sit in the front. The entire night, I was thinking of the fun we shared. From joking, to getting punished, to copying (i.e. let her copy :D), to hitting each other (please make note its NOT 'hitting on'), the thoughts kept on flashing and with only one wish for that night's prayers; "God get me back to my seat, I don't wanna sit anywhere else!"

The next day, Mr. Gobbins entered the class, with a smile on his face and addressed the class with his usual yada-yada. At the end of the lecture, he just told us to get back to our original seats. Sweet dear god of all mercies, the ear-to-ear smile was back, this time right up in my mind, just to avoid him noticing me. I rushed back to my original seat and adding to my glee was Tanissha's 'welcome back' smile. God it felt so nice to be back there. One more day back there alone, I swear I would have written many more stanzas than 'Mr. Wordsworth' on Solitude. I was so ready for any number of those rib-shattering punches. The day just ended so well for me.

So this was back in my fifth grade. The same partner in the sixth grade too, only difference being, on the *most-dreaded* day in my diary, she tied me with a colorful tasseled bond, which I thoroughly respected and accepted. What next? Of course seventh grade, time to find a new partner :)

How may I ASSist U?

It's 2 in the night. Mr. Download is all excited since this is the time he gets to squeeze out the maximum speed off the broadband pack he recently bought. No sooner did he jump to click on the dialer, than he got the "Request timed out". Now what?? Call those ratheads!

The phone rings! The same icky voice can be heard and the same sticky lines: "Welcome to Squiffy! Please dial star (*) to proceed". After the usual yada yada on how to get to the appropriate call ASSistant, he was made to wait long enough to rise the mercury of his mind.

"Yellow!" said a southie voice, "How may I assist you?"

"Ya hi, I'm calling from Pune, I'm using Squiffy Broadband for the last 2 weeks and today I am not able to connect to the net!"

"Sir, your user-ID please"

"Its... " and I spell it out for like 2 - 3 times till that numbskull gets it!

"Ok, Sire! You're Mr. Ruksun calling from Pune, Am I right?"

"Yes", thinking I don't care what you call me, just listen to the god dammit complaint.

"You have taken the xyz package. May I confirm your phone details sire? Its 2xxxxxxx and your mobile number is 9xxxxxxxxx"

Ohh wow, these guys are just too good. All I gave is my user-id and now he knows my name, my location, my residence number and my mobile number. And yes he also knows that I'm Sir! i'm impressed! Bullshit, you're just reading the details that I had typed when I registered. Stop the crap and get to the point!

5 minutes down the drain, since I dialed the number.

"Sir, may I know the problem you're facing?"

"Look, I'm trying to connect to the net, but I'm getting a connection timeout!"

"Can I know the error message you are getting?"

"Forget the error message, I know the exact problem. I am trying to ping the gateway and I am getting a 'Request timed out'"

For all those folks and Mr. ASSistant who do not know what 'ping' is, it is a lowest level command that sends tiny message packets to the IP address provided, to check network connectivity.

"Ok sir, try this out. Go to your internet browser options and remove the cache!"

"Whaaat! I mean what! I mean whhhat are you saying? Mister, this is outrageous, you are telling me to remove cache and that would solve the problem?"

"Sir please try it!"

I'm sure the moment I said those dreaded words "I know the exact problem!", got him out of his routine flow of questions. Anyways I was forced to do it (after barking a few %#$%&^ at him in my mind)

"Done, still not working."

"Ok, sir, try and restart your machine! That will reset all the network settings"

"Look, mister! Whoever you are! I am not a fool sitting here who is going to listen to whatever you say! I'm telling you there is a disconnection in the cable and I want you to lodge a complaint against this!"

"Ok sir, please try this last thing sir! Sir, remove all the temporary files from your Windows temp folder. I will explain you how to go to the folder. Which Operating system are you...."

Slaaam!

You're in the Scouts, now!

"So here we are, in Lonavala!" quoth one of them.

A loud whistle blew, not from the train's engine but it was the brawny VP of the troop, commanding the troop to stand in a single file. With the 5 feet wooden staves held under their right shoulders and with heavy, fully-loaded haversacks on each one's back, the troop trudged their way through the small winding roads of the town, which had just had the taste of the crisp golden sunshine. Everything looked so perfect; the quaint town folks, the cool breeze that carried the perfume of morning freshness and the heavy pants from each of the troop boys. The hike to 'Perzino', a bungalow surrounded by a few acres of green lawns and the welcoming bloomed flowers, was a small one of about 4kms.

The boys of the West Bombay Scout Group were instructed to accommodate themselves on the 1st level of the mansion, while the leaders grabbed the stilt. Within minutes, another whistle was heard! The boys were just about to undress, but had to run to fetch their new instructions. As the motto went "Be Prepared", it had to be preached in "No matter what!" situations. After the usual questionnaire of 'Why the boys didn't make it in time' in assembling, they were made to realize that the day was not as good as it seemed. They were reminded of being instructed earlier, to carry ropes, pegs and tarpaulin, but no one did.

"If you want to have pleasing 4 days here, you will have to get your own stuff", commanded the troop leader (TL) with a deep voice, "Now go to the town, and get the essentials!". "Do not forget, you still have to prepare your own food", and he left.

They left instantly, after they were dispersed from the usual horse-shoe formation and started the weary walk to the town market (the same way they very excitedly walked early that morning). After traversing a distance of 8, they started building their canvas homes. An hour of sweatful construction in the now bright sunshine, they wore their long white chef caps and prepared lunch for themselves. The afternoon nap, in the tent, was truly the walnut in the brownie kinds. The day ended quite in ease, with a rejuvenating dip in Duct-Line, cutting from behind the camping area and the campfire activities with some amazing performances by the tireless fellows. This ended Day 1 in a 'not so bad' terms.

Hmm, I think it's high time we introduced one of the boys of this troop - Mst. Skroozin. He faced the same as the others that day, maybe a little more since he was 124kms away from home, more specifically parents! Lying on his back in the pitch-dark room, all he could see were the fire-flies pillowing on the high roof above him. He started looking for a tube of 'Odomos' to repel those wretched from sucking on him. Instead he managed to put something better on him, something that he would have on his enamel some hours later. Though it did manage to keep those blood-suckers away, all night, it also very much managed to burn all night in places not worth mentioning!

The next day brought a new hope, with the rising sun. With time constraint set such, the boys had to bathe in a group of 4 in a 2 by 2, in order to meet up with ticking hands. Just as they always assembled every Sunday at August Kranti Maidan, Bombay, today they were to assemble too. Just a small re-direction here. Mst. Skroozin was the Patrol Leader (PL) of the Wolves patrol. His duties (rather all the PL's there) were to make sure that his patrol was ready in time for the assembly. And as the mother fate had to pierce the arrow on someone special today, there it was Mst. Scroozin, given the task to prepare the group flag for the hoisting. It was his first time, that he had to do it all on his own - from folding the flag, to knotting it and to raising it up folded on to the pole.

The whistle blew, the patrols were assembled in the horse-shoe and Scout Skroozin was given orders to hoist the flag after the short group song. The eyes widened, the stares went on, the hearts pounded and the pulses rose. The Troop Leader (TL) removed his golden yellow Lanyard instantly, pulled Scout Skroodzin's hand in the front and 'Saaat saat saat', there they went on his hands, leaving dark red scars of wound rope on his fair forearms. He right away shouted, "Scout Scroodzin!, what is this!?! How can you do such a thing, this is a shame on one and all!". "I am giving you exactly 5 mins, do whatever you can, I want this flag hoisted in the correct manner!" "Troop Disperse!" and there we walked away with wrath.

"What happened!?" enquired he with the boys. "Look behind you fool, look what you did! He is gonna screw you now. How could you hoist the flag upside down???" "Go and correct it!"

In his mind he said, "So what if it was upside down, just turn it around and hoist it again". Mother fate, help this guy, I just hope he doesn't just speak out, what he just thought!

Well, after 5 mins, the flag was hoisted again, correctly this time (phew!) the assembly got over, the others were told to go back to their places and to get ready for Inspection, while Scout Skroodzin was told to stay back. One, two, three... there they went, kicks that warmed his back. "Scout Skroodzin, I want you to clean up this entire area off dry leaves, and after you're done report to me", yelled the TL. How much more could the 14 year old sensitive Sagittarian handle. Innocent tears dropped from his eyes and damped the dry ground below as he bent and started collected the dry leaves. "I have never done this even at home!", thought he. After an hour of cleaning, he was now instructed to run around the field, do a Duck-Walk and Bunny-Hops and yes not to forget, the food for the patrol would be prepared all by himself that day.

With the sun drowning behind the mulberry trees, his bones, now felt so soft and rubberified, he could barely stand and walked as if he just had a... forget it, not for general public :) The day ended and so did the fear of having any worse day. And as of now, he still wonders why didn't they just turn the flag upside down and let it go. BIG DEAL!!!

M F E O

Monsoons are here! Frogs croaking all over; god knows why they have to croak, just do it silently guys ;) And yes supposed to be the most romantic season for any species; whether its humans or that humming mosquito sucking onto you or the friendly pup that gently lift its hind over your car tyre or whether it's me. Let's forget the mosquito, the pup and me for the moment. Love is in the (moist) air and the warmth rises with the humidity scale. And all the MFEO's (Made for Each Other) have their "GOOD" times together. Some of them are seen sipping coffees at the local cafeteria's, smoking off the 30s and 50s over a cup! some of them at an ice-cream joint feeding each other, while others go for the long drives into the fog (don't ask me why?). What's really interesting is that all these MFEO's can be categorized broadly into 6 types (atleast that's all I could think of). Let's have a glimpse into each of these:

1. 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand' type: Typically these type have been together for maybe a week to a whole lifetime, mostly the affectionate types or the newbie’s. They would hold each others hands for hours. Could be coz of the myth that the longer they hold the hand, the longer they'll stay together or that naughty chilly climate to warm the hands or a drop of FeviStick. Whatever said and done, these types of couples would never leave the hand, even while crossing the idle road at 12 in the night, or while driving the car on a calm road or while ordering at a food joint till one of them gets a call from Mother Nature!

2. Show-offs type: Mostly seen scattered in all public places (they got-to SHOW-OFF). Could start from him cuddling her cheeks to playing with his petrified nose to running his fingers through her silky hair to caressing his loose bicep. I once ran into a couple at Farishta on MG. The 2 just couldn't stop taking pictures of each other. "Baby smile!" "Oohh not like dhees, sit that way, uhhh not that way!"Finally I got up and offered them to take their pictures. Can't help digging my own grave (even there!), they made me take pictures in all possible weird dumb@$$ poses!

3. 'Main aage tu peechey' types: I sometimes find myself in this category. Here you would find either of the 2 walking in front of the other, the other trying to keep up to the pace. Possible reasons: You walk too fast on the treadmill (hmm... sound's like me), she just got furious that you got the wrong topping on her drink (she ordered some violet hazelnut blue cherry white chocolate sauce over the hot mocha cold coffee and you just messed it up; poor you :( ) or you being the stronger sex are utmost careful about the weaker sex and can't resist to be her bodyguard. Whatever may be the reason, try to keep up with the pace!

4. Mobo types: I hate these types of duos. This has become very common since the slashing rates of the mob-rates. By the way the Mobo people are those who just cannot live without their mobile phones; may it be while eating, sleeping, dating or even in the loo. 90% of the cases would be Jill, talking on the phone, while our hero Jack sits patiently and looks at her like an (Jack)ass, or in the car while he plays 'Lady in Red', 'Careless Whisper' and other mushy stuff on the CD he specially made for the drive, or while on a quiet dinner at Lake View (that costed him a bomb) just to realize all he did was fed her that evening.

5. 'Neck in the Twist' types: Do you see the world around you tilted at an angle? Relax and take some rest off the phone. You have just managed to bend your neck-bone a little too much. This type would consist of duos that sit in the office, move some files around, dial the number (definitely not to say ‘I just called to say I Love You!’), and start the taxing bill marathon (on the company, ofcourse!), till their pals ping them for lunch. Whether they work cities apart or in the same company, some few metres away, it's just not easy for them to stay without hearing each other. Sometimes, even after meeting for a few hours in the evening, they just cannot resist that an entire night separates them. Thus the late-night phone session starts and goes on till the rooster raises its voice!

6. 'Pairing is Love' types: Last but not the least, these duo's are the ones who just cannot stay without one another, COME WHAT MAY! Rather I have a running example of these too! Back in the college, there was this pair, who come together to the college, sat together at the same desk (they had good reasons, they worked in the same final year project), they filled up their bottles together, had coffee, tea, lunch, snacks together and moreover even went to the same loo together! If you're smart enough, you guessed it! Wrong, you're not that smart as you think, they are both happily married now (obviously not to each other), and had kids, co-incidentally at the same time. Now that's what I call ...

Finally, it's in whatever category you fall into, just make sure that you pass the message that 'We are made for each other" no matter what this dumbo comments about you!

Say CHEEZE! at Powai with EEZE!

This is a story of 4 innocent guys, who were wandering in a city called Mumbai. One night, while loitering around the outskirts of the city, they reached a place called Powai Lake. Just before I go ahead with the story let me give you a brief idea of the exact scenario.

Characters: Ravi, PD, Meer and Phrozen
Location: Powai Lake, Mumbai (enroute to Mumbai Internation Ariport i.e. if you really want to make it enroute...) My suggestion, do not take any road suggested by Meer!
Time of the day: Something 2ish in the night
Mission: Driving from Pune to Mumbai so that they could receive their friend Anshul, who was arriving by flight from LA early that morning.

So, I guess you got the idea about the whole scenario thing, let's go ahead. So the 4some find this beautiful lake (beautiful? my foot... just some pitch black open area) enroute to the Airport and decide to stop (Meer's idea of stopping here). So here starts the conversation.

Meer: So guys, this place is Powai Lake. Let's go and sit there, near the steps.

Phrozen (thinking): Wow! Nice place to get a chic (oops lady)

Ravi: Nice place!

(Ya right! wait for 10 more minutes)

Meer (continuing...): You guys see that place, right on the opposite side of the lake!

The other 3: Yes, whats that place?

Meer: Thats a hotel, that's where we had a party once from the office.

Phrozen: Wow, cool man! Apne yahaa toh Baasuri ke aage gaye hi nahee!

PD: Hey guys, lets take a snap here! Hey Phrozen, you wont fit, I want to take the picture of the lake also.

Phrozen moves his butt away and looks back at the road, while the other 2 pose for the snap. He notices a police jeep stopping by the road. A well built (at all the undesired places) dumbhead officer gets out of the jeep and stands there for a moment. Flash! there goes the flash on my backside.

Is this worth 2500???

Phrozen (laughing): He he he! You guys just took a picture in Mumbai at 2 in the night. Now police uncle will come and punish all of us.

NB: From this point on most of the conversation was in Marathi and Phrozen didn't know Marathi. God bless him and his weird interpretations!

Just moments later police uncle came and stood in front of the 4 and asked in Marathi.

Uncle 1: What are you guys doing here at this time of the day? And why did you'll take a snap here?

Confused, Ravi said: Actually we are going to Mumbai Airport (point to be noted) to receive a friend, who is coming from America (point to be noted). We lost our way to the airport and we saw this place. We thought we will rest here for sometime. We have just driven from Pune and we were going to leave this place in another 5 minutes.

Uncle 2: But don't you know photography is not allowed here.

What the f#&%! thought Phrozen. Shit shit shit!! Now what?

Uncle 1: Ok, fine, sit in the jeep, and you mister, give me the camera.

PD: What! Sir no please. This is a digital camera, I will erase the picture.

Uncle 1: That I dont know! Give me this camera and sit in the jeep.

PD: Sir please! please!

Uncle 2: But why did you take the picture, didn't you read the board there?
All 4 of us thinking, where the f$#& is the board? There it was, right in one corner, hidden behind a small tree, which read that photography was not allowed in that area and you would land up paying a fine of 500 bucks (important point to be noted!) if you did so.

Uncle 2: You guys are all learned, can't you read it. I could understand if some illiterate would have done this. So tell me what are you guys doing?

Ravi: Sir, we are all engineers (point to be noted, Ravi, i'll kill you for this one) working in software companies (damm, now tell him the salaries also... Grrrr!)
Uncle 2: Look, just do one thing, sit in the jeep, and wait for Uncle 1 to come. He gets annoyed if you don't respond to his commands. Just sit inside, we will handle the whole thing.

At this moment, Uncle 1 was busy tackling some other all-guy gang (of around 15) at the other corner, which looked more heated than our state. The conversation went on in Marathi and Phrozen now couldn't get a thing. He started interpreting things. Are these guys wanting to keep me in the jeep and then they can merrily go away? I hope they are not pointing that im the BANK amongst them. All he carried was some 500 odd bucks. Sweat started developing on Phrozen's forehead. Uncle 1 returns.

Uncle 1: So you guys still standing outside. I'm telling you for the last time get inside the jeep.

After a lot of Sorry's and Please's and get the f$%^ out of here (in Phrozen's mind) they agreed to sit inside. Who inside first??? Obviously Phrozen. The jeep started, the driver telling the Uncle 1 to forgive them and take some money and finish off the business. The driver was warned not to speak about the matter and told him to drive in some bizarre corner of the road. Now Phrozen's pulse-rate shoots up. He thought - What the hell, why is he taking us into this corner. Oh my god! I hope he's not the SFO type. Dammit where the hell am I. God help us!

The car slowed a little, the headlights went off suddenly. In a total stealth mode, he stopped in the corner and suddenly the headlights burn again. Then Uncle 2 got out, used his torch and looked around. He shouted "No one here". Phew! what a relief to the 4. He was just looking if someone was loitering around in the area. The car sped off from there and stopped near a small office, which looked like a typical Chowky. Uncle 1 sat on a stool there and kept quiet. This sounded weird, even more weird than David frowning on not getting his contri back.

After a while he said: Look, pay me 6000 bucks and finish off the matter. By the way, not to forget, all this while Phrozen kept murmuring "Sir please sir please. We're sorry" in an infinite loop to Uncle 1. From this point on, I would address Phrozen as Phattu (he no longer deserves to be addressed by his name).

Phattu (thinking): Dammit pay him the money and lets get out of here. Today is Mom's birthday, if he calls home, mom will never forget this. This will be her worst birthday and on top of that no more late nights in Pune. Dad always use to say to get back home by 11. Guys pay whatever he wants, just wanna get the hell out of here.

Ravi: Sir, this is not fair. We are not some jerks. We are people from good families. On the board it was written 500 bucks and how can you demand for 6000? This is totally unfair. We don't even have that much money.

Meer adds: We will not pay anything more than 500 to you. If you want the money we will pay you 500 that's all. It's clearly written on the board.

Uncle 1 (now in a horrible tone): So you are teaching me law. Now you guys here will teach me the law? (To Uncle 2) Hey! call the mobile van. I will make sure these guys have to face it today. Now you pay me anything, you will have to face it tonight.

Phattu (thinking): What the hell! Hey you guys stop talking, what is wrong with you.?

PD: Sir, I'm sorry for what they said. Forgive them. Please sir, be considerate, we do not have so much money. We will have to go to the ATM to get more money (phew! tired to telling you'll what all points to note! another blunder)

Phattu: Sir! please sir! Sir please sir! (Goes on till things settle)

PD: Ok sir, we will pay you, but please be considerate, we do not have that much of money.

Uncle 1 now stands up, goes to the jeep, threatens them to drive them to the mobile van, makes them sit in the jeep again and starts the jeep. Finally after a lot of Sirs! Pleases! Sorries and f$%# off you rotten piece of rat shit (again in Phattu's mind) he agrees on 2500/- bucks. Phattu chills down, ready to pay anything to get into the car and out of this jeep importantly.

Phattu (whispers): Hey PD, give him the money! I will pay extra just get me out of this mess.

PD: Ok sir, here is the money. Give me the camera and we will just get out of this place as soon as possible!

Uncle 1: Here take the camera and don't ever stop here! (Point to be remembered, he doesn't even care to delete the snap, all he wanted was money. Dammit why doesn't the mind work at such times???)

The guys get out of the jeep, not even looking back, get into the cars and flee away from there. Happy ending isn't it. Yes for that day until Phattu narrated the story to his office mates and there started the entire analysis of the incident on the 'POINTS TO BE NOTED'. Ya right! get into this mess and you'll know what you go through.

The first day of my life!

How many of us ever gave a thought to "First day of your life"? We all celebrate our birthday’s, the day that we were born... but I really wonder how many of us remember that very day! Well for me, the first day of my life would be the earliest I could remember. Well a montage of images flash back when I try to think of it. Even though I was born in Pune, the earliest I can remember is the old Bharucha Bungalow in Bombay, where I spent the first 10 years of my life. Well I know one thing for sure, the first face(s) I saw was either my mother's or my aunt Pal's (the two dearest of my life). I wonder what I thought of their worth then!?!

I can remember mom waking me up and lifting me to the wash-basin and making me brush my then tender teeth. She would always be in a hurry to go to work, hence all the haste. I hated to walk and always wanted to be lifted from one place to another. Well for a few years, till i was 5ish, Pal used to lift me wherever we went. May it be a walk down the Gilder Lane or to the Tardeo Bridge overlooking the local train tracks. Don't ask me what I had worn that day (definitely not my yellow corroded shirt and tight jeans).

The daytime was full of masti and nothing else. My friends would be my neighbour Rani, who lived in a small one room apartment, just adjacent to ours and my dad's cousin Kash, who stayed with us in the same bungalow. Well Rani and her parents used to keep me all day at their home. While, Kash played with me in the evening, after she got back from college. I still remember she carried a novel with her wherever she went and I always wondered what it was!?! Granny used to occasionally call me and give me something to eat (now I know where I got this habit from.... burrrp!). The lunch has to be the mutton soup with rice (the foundation of all the adipose in my body). It was my favourite then, and yes I still like it. I used to call it 'Lalyo Soup' which I actually meant Yellow Soup.

Dad... I remember him coming home late in the evening and sitting on the chair and then spending sometime with me. All he would say is Aye-yooo! Well I can actually imagine what he must have been thinking then 'Ene mora jem dastoor banawano chhe' which means 'I have to make him a priest like me'. Well that did happen and maybe I will cover it in one of my later blogs. As a child I used to drool over chocolates (like I don't anymore) and my dear neighbour Asp-E used to get me a bar of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk chocolate whenever he would remember (that could be anything from everyday to every alternate day), adding on to my adipose :)

Bedtime, my favourite time of the day, then and now, must be around 9ish (damm right no 256Kbps internet connection then!) Well this small angel had just had the best day of his life. He was back to the sweet dreams that promised him a much better day ahead or perhaps the beautiful life god has laid in front of him!

Ooops... I forgot one thing, the mid-night. Well I wouldn't quite remember this, my parents would ;) The time of the day I would cry the most (no Pampers then...!) apart from when Ron-E used to bully and yell at me for his own joy!